And it Changed Before it Began!

Yo! How are you all doing today? I’m doing pretty okay. Today signaled some pretty big changes in my life, and my family’s life.

While today wasn’t the first day back, many of us teachers came to school today to work for free. Even if nothing changed for them this year, teachers across the US are classroomscaping- changing their rooms into inviting, magical places to learn.

(Ssshhhhh, it could be)

My husband has transferred schools to MES which is a K-8 school. He will be teaching 5-8 Band and is very excited about it. We took all of his things out of PSHS, waved goodbye to the sign out front, and with the help of a friend, moved him into his large spacious Band room at MES! I was very impressed!

So that’s the excellent news! I think this will be a great thing for him!

I on the other hand, also received some news of sorts. I’m not going to lie and say I was excited about it, and I know my new principal knew where I stood based on our phone conversation the other week. However I also know, she makes decisions for everyone that I just cannot imagine how she makes everything work. I’ve never wanted to be a principal. I know there is just so much they have to do and get done. I can’t imagine the stress of starting at a new school, with new ideas, and having to present them to my new staff. Nope, she’s got so much responsibility and kudos to her, I couldn’t do it.

Yup. Couldn’t do it.

So while I understand that, and will not dwell on my news, I won’t lie and say I was excited to hear my room was moved. I don’t think this is a shock to my principal (me being upset) but I don’t think being unreasonable and ridiculous will help anyone so, why be that way? Just accept it and move on, am I right?

I will be next door to the big band room. We will will be sharing the wall and the noise. It’s going to be loud. I already have some ideas on how to reduce that, but it will be a work in progress to be sure.

  • There are positives to this situation:
    • I have a lot to move, but not far to move it (yay! She could have moved me half way across the school or upstairs, or into a trailer or something-not knocking trailers but we know those aren’t ideal.).
      I get to keep the back room in my old room to use as a repair shop still- she DIDN’T have to do that at all so I completely 100% appreciate that we still get to utilize the space- not only because I spent so much time working on it, but because sharp things and chemicals shouldn’t be accessible to middle schoolers but should be accessible to band directors! I should also be getting my own key to the room to use for before and after school and planning.
      I can holler at K anytime I need to through our little alcove, without moving from my desk. Before I had to walk outside, walk down the sidewalk, unlock a door and then going into her room.
      No more outdoor trips to the main building during tornado drills.
      I am told the heating and AC are consistent- it is warm in the winter and cool in the summer (yay! Definitely an upgrade there).
      I HAVE A WHITE BOARD THATS LIKE 6ft LONG! Totally bizarre and wonderful!
      While I love natural light (so so much) my new room only has one tiny window- this means I have more wall space to decorate.
      Bouncing kids to the other band room will be easier (for discipline problems) because they won’t go outside and have the temptation to skip class. I’ll know if they got there pretty instantly.
      I think the new room is slightly larger.

    So there are good points. Just because I didn’t get what I want doesn’t mean all is lost. This doesn’t mean my year will be bad or that my principal is out to get me (she’s very nice and organized…. and busy I am sure!) It just means that for our school to be successful in this incarnation we all have to change. I’m not above anyone else so that means I need to change too, no matter how much it “hurts.”

    So onwards and upwards my friends! Tomorrow we have meetings all day, but it is my hope that I can sneak out at lunch and move things!

    Enjoy your week, I am exhausted from moving hubby and chairs today, so I’m taking a nice bath, doing my hair, maybe a mud mask… and just chillin ūüėé

    Drunkenly Acceptable

    I‘ve been extremely retrospective lately. Kind of, “How did I get here,” look at past events.


    I was, in my opinion, a pretty popular Senior in HS with the younger folks. Queen of the marching band. Not hard to be when you are 1 of 2 Seniors in the Band. I went off to college ready to grow and become someone special.

    In college for the first two years I was pretty popular in my set, music majors. I’m not saying I was queen bee because I wasn’t, but I never wanted for alcohol or places and people to have fun. Whenever I want to do something, many people wanted to come too. It was a pretty amazing feeling for a late bloomer who only had younger friends. All age ranges wanted to hang out with me!


    I wasn’t sleeping around or your typical party girl like your imagining. It wasn’t like that. The people I hung with wanted to talk mostly, walk around the city and discuss the inner workings of the world. Alcohol was a vehicle for me to relax, loosen up, be less anxious, be more vivacious and fun-loving.

    I was drunk most nights. I remember most times and never experienced blackouts and people took care of me if I had too much but I never physically became ill. I was the life of the party and I thrived! It was great but the universe needed me to change. You can’t keep going like that without some sort of consequence.


    I mean, yes a huge part of me changing was losing a good portion of my vision. No, it’s not related to that drinking. However getting sick and then losing your sight in places forever¬†and realizing you may not finish your major because you can’t see to do it – changes a person. Yeah it wasn’t that bad, and yeah it’s barely a deal now but at 19 and 20… it’s like “Woah, slow your butt down!”

    I realized drinking wasn’t helping me graduate. I decided I would rather spend time with Ry over many people. Which I suppose was another problem. I was that girl. The one that gets the guy and says, “Bye Y’all!” Some of it was people disliking him, sure but most tried to like him (makes him seem awful huh?!). Those three things my health, fear of not finishing school, and the new love I was experiencing, those things became the focus.


    So naturally, it things changed. People stopped calling as I stopped drinking heavily. I stopped going out to bars and getting super drunk. I took a semester off to raise money for school and worked my butt off. I started to get into wine and some more interesting wine loving friends.

    Now why this all matters is, lately I have been ruminating about how I ruined everything. Well maybe not ruined but how did I get here? I think alcohol presented a fictional view of who I was. I wasn’t always that person. I grew up and changed and became someone I think people maybe couldn’t relate to anymore. I became way more interested in saving my world instead of the world. In doing that, I really narrowed my view. I also had some people who cared no matter what but I narrowed my view so much I lost sight of a lot of them.

    I was no longer drunkenly social. Which changed relationships and dynamics and just – everything.

    I DO NOT judge anyone for leaving during my hard liquor days, or the wine days and Ry days. I was… different and I just wasn’t someone you needed for a life long friendship.

    But I find, I don’t actually interact well without the liquor. Seriously. Maybe I’m just not fun. Maybe I’m not relatable. Maybe my anxiety and paranoia are too overwhelming when sober.


    Maybe people don’t understand why I shouldn’t drink, I mean why not?

    It’s been YEARS since I’ve been drunk and more than a year since my last drink (I am NOT saying I’m an alcoholic, I just drank socially, obviously). I worry about social interactions now, I worry I am too self-centered when I talk with friends, I’m afraid of offending people, I worry if past events will affect the current interactions or I have an overwhelming need to admit things or bring up stuff I shouldn’t. And that’s…


    I ¬†totally a freak of nature who cannot socialize like average human being. I just don’t know how to be entertaining without alcohol and a loud bar and all that.

    recently, I went to a girl’s night with this mother and her daughters. The daughter’s ages were from mid twenties to 11. We watched Moana and did face masks, foot scrubs (to our selves), manis and pedis and ate pizza. It was ABSOLUTELY the most fun I have had since the last visit I had at M & D’s house. (Which is beautiful btw) when I related this story to someone else, they thought I was joking. Who does things like that over the age of 14?

    At the end of the night the mom and girls all agreed they wanted to keep me and the night was a success. I had loads of fun too. Yeah Ry was all grumble mumble your son missed you, but he knew I needed it.

    And I do. I need to practice socializing. It’s not like I was a vagabond on the brink of losing it all, it’s just I¬†have been so narrowly focused on health, school (now as an educator), and family (then Ry now Ry and CDubs) that my ass looked up and every damn body is gone. Just as I was warned, come to think of it by M! (I just texted him he’s probably like wtf is this crazy person talking about?! Poor M, I can be so confusing.)


    Oh yes, yes it is sad. And yes I am sure tomorrow I will be like man, why didn’t I listen to him?! ¬†But think. What if I never realized? I just blamed everyone for everything and did not look at myself? Sure, sure some people left for reason less to do with me and more to do with life, let’s not overstate my importance in everyone’s life. There are totally people who haven’t given me one thought in the last 5 years. I don’t mean them, I mean all sorts of important relationships, or potential important relationships that I let go in favor of my own narrow view.

    I’m sure opinions would vary on which ones and only God himself could say which ones I played a direct hand in. I’ll find out the specific details in the hereafter, possibly in surround sound?

    Levity aside, I have to stress I do love my husband, my son is the most amazing little guy, and on a basic level I have a good job that fits me (everyone has parts of their job that they may not be good at or like as much as others, my disclaimer). I annoy hungry, I have little fun things in my life, and I look forward to things. I just look back now and say “wow…. ” and I’m lonely, it true but we can all honestly say adulthood changes the amount and frequency that we do interact with others.

    I just think I can let go some of the bitterness I was holding onto. I can let go resentment. I can be wiser with the folks I have left and when I meet new folks try to be more involved at a level we can both enjoy. Lastly I can learn how to interact without booze. It’s important not only to my faith but my development as a person.

    It’s just been a thought that’s been running around in my head lately. Luckily I am on vacation and these thoughts can run around and become fully developed instead of frustrating meanderings that end nowhere. Ah vacation has been good.


    Thank you for reading. It’s a lot but I feel like writing this was needed. Self discovery is always good, in general.

    Tags

    I have been adding tags to my posts for the past 3 days. When I started my blog, I really didn’t understand what tags were really. I figured Google found key words in my writing and that was enough. So, I had posts with 1 tag or no tags. 

    I booted up my ancient MacBook and went through post by post adding tags. I reaffirmed I cannot spell/ typos are my second favorite thing. 

    My next summer clean out of the blog should be picture resizing. I also did not understand that either.

    It’s just tedious. Important but tedious.

    On a personal note, super Tired because I am stressed. Why? Choices that have to be made. Either way we decide, we dissapoint people. Either way we lose on some fashion and either way someone gets upset (weepy upset or angry upset).

    Choices, choices!

    Tags are so much simpler.

    Sunday Earworm: Never Give Up!


    Obviously, take with a grain of salt. Some people are dangerous and threaten your wellbeing. Those though, we can still hope their minds and hearts someday come into good. Sometimes we are just one cog in that great machine of healing. You influence and help more people than you know! So don’t give up being you, you may be repairing more folks than you know!

    Quote Challenge 3

    It is day 3 of the 3 day quote challenge that¬†bekitschig¬†has tasked me with! It’s been a fun challenge, that surprisingly revolved around similar topics!

    Without further ado, quote 3:


    I admit, when I imagine my life I see a solid middle class house, 4 bedrooms, 3 baths (one can be a half bath), garage, large backyard fenced in with a spacious patio. I see friends visiting often, CDubs growing up surrounded by playmates. I see cuddly husband wife interactions, pets to snuggle with and peace when returning home from an enjoyable job.

    I have absolutely none of that. None.

    Fighting all the time, isolated, barely any children his age, job so stressful I’ve had a tension headache for more than a week (I can’t get through the day without prescription IBProfin), too many folks need me but don’t actually want me, cats neglected….

    It’s a mess. I am profoundly unhappy.

    But. But. My son is beautiful. Though the man I married seems hidden from view, he’s still in there. I don’t have to work here forever. Nothing has to stay the same.

    I imagine taking that step. It’s scary. I have a job now, my co-workers are nice. It’s not so bad…

    I’ve become comfortable in unhappiness. This is all life is. It’s sucks.

    I’ve started to stop, and take care. It’s time to grab at that life we imagine. It’s scary; we can’t afford to move. We can’t afford for just one person to work. We can’t, we can’t, we can’t….

    It’s time. It is time. Now (well in the morning). This must change.

    So yes, she is going to live the life she imagined. Yes.

    Comfortable With Fear


    A person can get used to something if they are constantly exposed to it enough. They can even gain comfort from the routine. Their life may be completely off course and everyday wretched, but the idea of taking a huge risk that may or may not end badly…

    Suddenly it’s quite comfortable.

    Perhaps fixating on the fear you know is less frightening than fighting the one you don’t.

    I do this. A lot. I have an obvious choice, understanding, whatever, and I choose vehemently to believe the opposite. I lock myself into an obsessive circle of doubt and fear. This ritual I have is far more comforting to me than admitting I need to change.

    How utterly horrible.

    I know the truth, I am smarter and quite capable of facing almost all of these truths but…

    I’d rather not.

    While again, choosing to deny this frightening change, I choose to instead, fearfully hang onto this that frankly, does me harm.

    Such a waste of energy. Such a waste of time.

    I bet I’m not the only one though! I bet there are others clutching to old ideas, put upon superstitions, and childhood teachings.

    Why are we afraid? There is absolutely nothing we can’t do.

    This line of thought caused me to think on the butterfly:

    IMAGE WIKIMEDIA

     

    I know butterflies are creatures with just enough brains to survive. Yet, they go through life, preparing for their growth. When it is time, they build their cocoon and sleep. Nothing but the cocoon protects them. There is no 1,000 year sentry, Roman if you will, guarding them until their difficult emergence. They build and hope to change, take a chance do what they are built to do.

    We are to change too.

    IMAGE PINTEREST

    We just have to take a small step, an action. Even the butterfly has to work through their protective cocoon, bit by bit. If they take the easy way out, their wings are deformed. They must work towards that change, and so must we. One step, on our way, letting the fear go.

    A Clean Heart

    I can’t say my heart is black, but I can say it’s Lilly ¬†white either.

    I fixate and allow things that don’t matter to take over my thoughts. Then I become bitter and jealous and frankly, ridiculous.

    I went on my husband’s Facebook for the first time in months and within 10 minutes I was stewing over inconsequential crap.

    Seriously.

    I was sitting there stewing over people’s good fortune, over people’s opinions I disagreed with, with my own inadequacy.

    As a friend once said, “People only show the best of themselves on social media.”

    As a blogger I admire once said about my blog, (paraphrasing here, can’t find the comment) I enjoy your blog because you are truthful and you don’t hide anything, no matter how it looks or the subject matter, you freely tell it like it is. (Something to that effect.)

    It’s true, I used to cover up the truth, my feelings, loads of things. It’s what I was taught. I decided to be a more open person once I reached college.

    I have discovered in my journey to tell the truth about myself, I have a great many ugly, dirty bits. I do.

    So how does one clean one’s heart?

    I think a person must evaluate what they believe a truly good heart, a clean or clear heart is.

    I bet it’s different for everyone.

    Then think about those flaws, those dirty pieces of yourself you lock away:

    Arrogance

    Greed

    Want

    Fear

    Bitterness

    Sadness

    Loneliness

    All the unstable things we cast away into the core of ourselves, because who truly takes the time to go that deep? No many anymore.

    We scream “Love me! But don’t look! Accept me but I don’t want to see it. Let’s pretend it’s not there.”

    But it’s there, in your heart.

    Waiting.

    It just needs love.

    Arrogance to acceptance of virtues and flaws.

    Greed to contentment of what one has or does.

    Want to fulfillment when you realize there is more to life than the material, physical, social.

    Fear to strength because love fortifies and protects.

    Bitterness to objectivity to clear mindedness, what others have is not for us to covet or lust for, we all have wonders in our own lives.

    Sadness to happiness knowing you truly are not alone there are people near or far that love you too. You yourself are so worthwhile because you are here living. You are somebody’s joy. You have brought and will bring happiness.

    Loneliness to connected sharing friends who may just be waiting for you to emerge from these dark places back into the wold.

    A clean heart performs its primary function, to sustain your life. It must be hard to beat for years, never stopping until it wears itself out. Always pumping, providing giving.

    A clean heat emotionally loves and loses, but it lets the rough things go, grudges, fixations, obsessions, hatred, jealousy, bitterness…..

    Hearts are not meant to harbor those things. It clogs and gums up the works.

    I hope dearly one day my heart is clean. I pray it is so. We shall see. Living Tiny, heart edition (lol!).