Till We Meet Again…

Warning: this post discusses miscarriage.

I think I started to notice something was different with my body in September. I was tired and I was grumpy. I didn’t feel particularly well and then I was sick one morning. I barely made it to the bathroom sink. The rest of the morning I was nauseous. Then the next morning. Then the next. On the fourth day, one of my students, bless him pulled me aside while I was trying to unlock the guitars to tell me, “Mrs. G, I think you might be pregnant.” The cheek of that young man! He was worried about me though, and that was sweet.

 For three weeks I believe I was pregnant. It is crazy to think lightning struck twice, considering how scarred up my uterus is inside. Couple that with my pituitary Adenoma and it has to be an actual act of God for me to get pregnant.

We weren’t trying, we decided that even though the doctor deemed it safe for me to have kids, we couldn’t financially afford another child. So we weren’t planning on one. We use two forms of protection and I track my period.

So when my period started on that 4th week, I was a little confused, then I laughed. Obviously I had some sort of bug the last week! Silly wishful thinking.

Then the cramps started.

Then there was a lot of… inner stuff.

Then there was so much blood. I bled for almost 9 full days.

Then I knew. I didn’t want to speak it aloud. I mean the child was barely formed. People miscarry all the time. Just because this is the first time in my life I have/noticed I had doesn’t mean it was a big deal…

Except it made me a little sad. So I stayed home on that Tuesday after, September 11th oddly enough (a birthday that had meaning in my life long ago). I slept. I ate food that made me happy. I watched stupid crap on tv and I cried a little.

It seemed silly at the time because again I didn’t have to deliver or go through anything particularly traumatic. At times I felt a little silly being upset over a heavy period… that may have been more.

But as time passed and I really took the time to think… it was a dream to have more than one child. It’s a dream that we had and it never really popped up as a possibility and then, there it was.

For a little while any rate.

So I felt a bit stupid for awhile and decided I just had to talk to someone. Ry is a good guy but he just doesn’t get it. He voiced things similar to what I did, “maybe to was just a heavy crazy period,” and “Well, something wasn’t right so it had to happen. It wasn’t viable.” Which are things I thought too.

Except, it didn’t feel like those things it just felt… sad.

So I got up the courage to talk to two ladies I know and they were very wonderful. Loss is loss and we have the right to be sad about it, no matter how far along we ended up being.

I appreciated that. I supposed I almost felt ashamed to be sad considering the amount of time I was pregnant was barely a blip.

But hearing that my feelings were allowed really helped. Isn’t it nuts that somewhere in my life someone taught me my feeling weren’t valid unless large amounts of pain and suffering were involved? I always knew my emotions were a little screwball but it’s crazy that I had to ask permission to grieve.

It might be a singular thing, that only I have the joy to deal with.

Anyhow, then I was hit with strep and an ear infection and my husband got the flu and CDubs had a fever for a few days and bam! It’s the end of the nine weeks and here I am.

Still processing.

Still a little sad.

Cuddling my son a little more lately. (Which he doesn’t seem to mind)

But still very blessed to have amazing people in my life. I hope sincerely that you have amazing people in your life too.

If We Were Having Drinks: Back to School and Hurricane Season too!

Ack! What’s up people! You scared me! Traci just startled the mess out of me when she tweeted my old post just now. She’s a wonderful woman who shares my content even though I can be rubbish at producing it. The link above is to her site, which gives me happiness at the very least every Tuesday because she is the author of Tarot Tuesday!

The Tarot is fascinating and at the same time frightening for me. My family had quite a few dabblers into the world of magic and when you screw around with stuff you don’t understand well…

Do I believe in magic? Absolutely, 100% wouldn’t even deny it. It’s even in the Bible guys. Have I had unexplainable things happen to me? That’s an affirmative.

So I have a healthy respect for the magic and people who use any part of it. I love reading about it. Traci has some wonderful posts about that and the natural world and her photos are breathtaking. I can barely aim a camera.

But I digress!

So this past week it has been just comfortable enough out I could entertain the thought of having an herbal tea. NC is hot still and will be hot for a long while yet. At least two more months. While the rest of the US may be drinking pumpkin spiced things I’m still enjoying my lemonade.

This past week has been a roller coaster of emotions. It’s causing me stress. Never make promises you are unwilling to keep. Not ‘want to keep’ or ‘unable to keep.’ Not. Willing. That’s about all I can say as ambiguously as possible.

I’m absolutely knackered. I stand everyday when I’m not at school and yet when I return it’s like there are invisible weights strapped to my legs and arms. I come home every night feeling like 7 hours of sleep won’t be enough.

Besides the exhaustion that inevitably happens during a first week at school, we now seem to have our yearly trial upon us:

Ah yes, hurricane season has more than arrived and already, we have a big one heading our way.

I have been arguing with Ru for the past few days about evacuation. There are cons to evacuation:

  1. We might not actually need to leave.
  2. The roads may be closed and we cannot return.
  3. If they close schools and we left but reopen them and we are stuck elsewhere… it could be messy, job wise.
  4. Can we afford to board the cats for a week? Or more?
  5. Will our home be safe when we are gone?

At the same tome there are pros to leaving:

  1. We will have power.
  2. We have two places to stay for free (just have to board the cats).
  3. Our son, who worries about the hurricane and staying, will feel safer away from all this.
  4. I want to see M and D! (Okay that sounds like I want a hurrication and I do not)
  5. People who love us and worry about us won’t be so worried if we are inland.

So while the lists aren’t a perfect match, I just want the assurance that if it seems bad we will go. Yes we were fine the last couple of times. It was horrible to be without power for three or four days. It was certainly livable and nothing like what others have gone through.

I don’t know the answer but I am seriously upset that it takes hours if arguing with my husband for him to realize all I want is a “maybe.” If things look to go bad, will you think about us leaving for awhile? Menfolk. Humph!

Ah yes! Circling back to school here is my classroom:

As it says, color me happy! My room looks pretty good this year! Although a few students mentioned my classroom didn’t look clean (well you convince the janitors to come mop then, cause I don’t have any luck) I think it looks nice!

I have been writing a lot. I know you cannot see it in here but I am 10,000 words into my book! I took down my Clockworks Prologue and Chapters 1&2 because I want to make a go of it.

I am going to do a big old rough write and get the whole thing down. I only change things if as I go along I need to change for consistency. Something may not be detailed enough. Somethings maybe overly detailed. Some of the dialogue maybe a bit stiff too. Shes not quite human so being flat at first makes sense… but what if I don’t evolve her personality properly?

I’m just starting out. Right now all that matters is I’m getting it down.

Once I finish, I’ll probably marinate on it a bit and then go through it again. Then I’ll need some grammatical help. Let’s be honest, in the USA we aren’t taught the finer points of the English language. Just as I started out in school, they started testing. So I’ll need some help with that. I have a friend that’s helping me now but, it probably wouldn’t hurt to have a few folks look at it… and beta readers!

I also want a proper cover. Something probably expensive, knowing me. That’s just how I roll. If I’m going to do it. I DO IT. This may be my only book. If it is I want to say I love all parts of it even if 3 people read it and only read it because they love me.

It’s all very exciting. I am dreaming about it I already have 3 encounters with plot points circling my brain, I just need to get there. I already think there will be a few “as the weeks went by I…” to help me with that. My biggest fear is being boring. Like I take to long to describe what’s going on.

My other fear is of course, no one will like it. It’s a kind of police drama romance set in a sci-fi magic fueled future that’s a bit dystopian. So maybe there’s a genre for that? Who knows.

I also need a pen name. Back in the day it was Piper Thames cause I love England and it was a prominent geographical feature in many historic romance novels I read as a teen. (And I loved Charmed because badass magical women are awesome) I came up with that pen name when I was 17. I’m not sure that’s a good name anymore… how does one decide on a pen name? No seriously, how?

I’m just impressed I hit 10,000 words. It’s novella sized and it isn’t even done yet!

Of course I also have to juggle family, work, and soon soccer and cub scouts. Ah to be a mommy.

At least CDubs is a pretty happy kid. That’s the most important thing.

My boy had his first day at school last week as well! It was a staggered entrance apparently. He goes full time this week and I hope once all the kids are there, he does okay. He had fun on the day he went. I can only hope he keeps doing well. I’ve been trying to get him to do abc mouse and we have workbooks, but those aren’t as fun.

Well… I have to go out away our hurricane supplies and make my son his first Nutella sandwich. Here’s hoping he likes it! You know kids and new things…

I hope to catch up with you all soon! Be blessed and enjoy your week!

Sunny Summer Fun!

Sorry I haven’t been around or posting in the past week. I have been and currently are on vacation. I know you aren’t really supposed to tell people when you’re gone, it’s not safe. However, we will be on our way back sooner than later, and I have a moment of peace to sit and collect my thoughts.

It’s been a good week and some, we’ve gone to the beach a lot.

So much so that I’ve developed a sun burn on my legs (I haven’t sunburned my legs since I was a little girl). It itches! I have a rash on both hands and feet, it’s torturous. I’m trying not to itch but man! It’s hard to not sneak in a scratch here or there.

CDubs has been the king of many sandcastles and we even took a trip to Medieval Times. We all agreed we that the horses were beautiful but Pirates at the beach was much better!

CDubs is afraid of large bodies of water. It’s called Thalassophobia. He has an absolute meltdown freak out if you walk him to a lake, or a pond. The ocean is the ultimate evil and he cannot imagine even letting one little wave splash the side of his foot in passing.

So this is why it was so huge when we got him in the pool this week. He has learned to propel himself around without latching into us like a suffocating vine! Look at my boy go:

https://youtu.be/eKt2pS9yMmc

I am very proud! He can’t wait to wake up and go to the pool every day. So that is super cool, I think!

We’ve been able to sleep in a bit too, and enjoy the company of family, for the most part. We’ve done a lot of fun stuff for the little guy. He loves puzzles!

It’s the lighting. My husband is not wearing sunglasses inside!

And like I said the pool, the beach, and we’ve eaten all sorts of kid friendly foods. While I am sure my cholesterol is all over the place… and I’ve had so much dairy I think I may fall out… it’s been nice to see everyone eating so well.

Truly it has been a low key sort of vacation. Today we will be going shopping for school clothes for CDubs. Then, back to the pool. I’ve begged off so I can do laundry and clean up the room. Just because it’s not my house doesn’t mean we trash the place!

Here’s to vacations and enjoying just being!

Have you all been out and about adventuring over these last few months? Feel free to drop a link to a post or video of your adventures! I’d love to see what you are up to that I may have missed! I’ll go comment too, honest!

If We were Having Drinks: I’d Ask for a Rain Check

I feel like gum on the underside of a desk. I feel all sticky and gross and no one should ever want to touch me. I feel like someone tried to scrape me off the underside of the desk as well, but I’m still clinging on.

I’ve been sick for about a week and a half. The last time we spoke I told you I was experiencing breast pain. Well it’s better but they still hurt. I used to feel nothing and now I am aware they are there. The pain is anywhere from a 4 to a 2. Compression helps, I don’t need the heat anymore and the Bactrium has run its course. The infection is gone but something is up. The doctor has decided it’s hormones and I’ve decided he’s a quack. The man never read my chart guys. He asked me stupid questions that were in the chart. I answered one wrong on accident and he didn’t even notice until I realized he had no idea to correct me. Then suddenly he knew what it was, and it may very well be hormones. I just don’t like how… uninformed he is. How he has no idea what he told me last time, does read the notes so I have to repeat myself and how patronizing he is when I do. I don’t like how he tells me to go pick out my next appointment and they put me in a room and decide without consulting me what day and time. So I’m not going back unless I need an emergency mammogram again. I am not a medical professional but you should I don’t know, read my blessed chart.

In other news I am in the slump on the continuum. It says first year teachers but that’s utter bollocks. It’s every year. They just don’t want to scare the newbies:

Mines is a little different, usually I just hit Disillusionment around February and hold on until April then rise up towards May and June. In June I reflect and July and anticipation hits in August.

I think I had a earlier drop thanks to being sick and the breast cancer/something bigger issue in December. I mean we were talking Lupus at one point. Blessed depressing that all was.

By the by “blessed” replaces all curse words and makes me sound even more Southern than I am. However blessing everything is much better than having my son inform me the raspberries are “Assberries,” because you know mommy has the mouth of a blessed sailor. You also have to say it southern, it’s not “blessed” it’s “bless-ed.” Give it a try, people will still look at you like you’re nuts it just won’t be while covering the ears of their children.

It just sounds better.

On another note I’ve lost 12 lbs on my diet officially, and I am blessed starving.

To say I am irritable and in need of chips, cheese products, ice cream and the like is an understatement. I never eat sweets and junk a lot before the diet but I miss my daily bag of chips. If we don’t buy another tin of mixed nuts soon, someone may die.

I don’t mind the salads (my phone is so shook by the diet changes that it auto corrected salad to sales. Poor dear). I don’t mind more veg in my diet. I care that the salty goodness is gone.

Sigh. Blessed diet.

But Ry’s blood pressure is down to 150/100 and that’s like a big deal (guys he was constantly in stroking out levels. No one understands how he is alive). He celebrated with a salad and a snickers bar. Then I told him no more snickers bars for the next 3 months. Such is life.

I am excited that at the end of the month I will be paid for the first time since before Christmas. The next 5 or 6 months are going to suck money wise. We have to do something stupid with our money for daycare. We will be getting less for our dependent care and having to scrape together more then we will be “reimbursed” in the fall when he is in school. It’s dumb. I don’t get why we can’t keep getting what we had but for 6 more months and then stop. It’s dummmmmb. Ah well. It is what it is.

Well I am off to bed. Got school tomorrow and a concert coming up and I’m sure there is a benchmark in there someplace. Enjoy your week!

Welcome 2019!

Well its another year! Gosh, a lot has happened but at the same time… it feels like everything is the same! How strange is that?!

I mean, my husband has a new job that he enjoys (hurray!!!) now, which he got halfway through 2018. While his mood at home had improved some, it’s still not where it needs to be. (I’m my opinion he can still be gruff and rude and very defensive when it is not warranted- and I understand to him it feels warranted but that’s a discussion for another day)

(You know it’s true, just hush you!)

I am working on improving our home life. I have been cleaning like a madwoman since November’s end and that was hard to do in between the gigs!

I have managed to not isolate myself and enjoy friends. I have not just gazed hopelessness at the piles of laundry. I’ve also been watching reruns of Hoarders to motivate myself, lol.

I grew up in a hoarding situation. It was… absolute shit. Sorry but it was. My house is NOTHING like what I grew up in. I know that. I also know we are bursting out of a “house,” that was meant for two people not 3. We live pretty well but after a major holiday you know there are many new things in my home and I have to fiddle to make them fit and covertly donate things when they don’t (my son does not like loosing toys!).

I feel like once a month I remove at least 1 bag to donate, and have 3 major trash days where I go diving into a closet, or a cabinet, or a dresser to uncover something we hid away to fix and never did, clothes from college or worse, high school or baby toys that have hung on because… it would have been nice to have 2.

Speaking of, my friend L (meet L) is having a baby!!

So we packed up two large totes of baby clothes (she picked them out), our crib, changing table, and bouncers and the like and took them to her beautiful home! She is due in Feb 2019 (of course) and I am so excited I got to help her prepare!! Another way I am beating the clutter but lending large items. When did this become about clutter, lol!?

Of course you remember Ry and I, and subsequently CDubs, are now on a new diet…

And that is going as well as can be expected during the holiday season. It’s done now (the season not the diet), and we have salad fixings in the fridge, pocket pitas for sandwiches with turkey and vegan cheese (lactose intolerant apparently) and vegan mayo (I am allergic to eggs). The last of the chips are being happily ate by our son and carrot sticks with no more than 2TBSP of ranch is the new snack food.

I’ve never been able to figure out breakfast due to the egg allergy, but now I really have to figure it out for my peeps so that’s on my to do list. Low carb spaghetti last night was…. not as tasty as the real thing. It just wasn’t. But low carb spaghetti doesn’t suck, even with almond derived cheese (yes you read that right).

My Italian ancestors are in the grave just a rolling at this point.

I’ve managed to get my Primary Music Leader binder made and finished just after midnight last night:

(this is just the cover)

And I even awoke to a fan girl like surprise from the owner/maker of the app I use to make a lot of my blogging graphics, Primary Games, and of course my Chorister/Music Leader stuff (look for the like heart ❤️):

Eek!

Now, I organize the craft supplies, throw out the useless and attack my closet and personal dresser drawers. I promised the men a lazy day, but I didn’t promise one for me!

Tomorrow I work a teacher workday. Thursday I see a breast specialist, to see why only my right breast, with no lump or lesions hurts. I admit, it’s down to a 2 or 3 when it hurts (which is not as much as it used to. And the swelling is gone). I am out of antibiotics and I can only hope it was a strange infection on one could see but could feel the heat of… it’s safer though, to go, get poked and be 100% sure that it’s nothing completely off the wall.

Right?

So I have had a pretty eventful end of the year (I’d day all the exciting stuff happened at the end of 2018). I can only hope this positive trend continues into 2019!

Thank you for coming by and reading g a very rambling post today!

Enjoy your New Years!!

(New Years new Bitmoji look 😊)

Holiday Beverage Share: We Made Merry!

Hello everyone! I hope you are all having a good day! No, a splendid day filled with happy events and meetings!

We’ve been good, very very busy though! I finally finished professional obligations on the 19th with my last musical performance on the 16th. The very last thing we did was the Christmas play with the Baptist’s and it went very well:

He left that and the Primary Program in good spirits. I think the Primary Program went well. We had a girl I haven’t seen in months show up, and she did her best. I’d like to think we provided all the tools to help her succeed- all the words were printed out and until her father got sick, she was a regular church goer so I bet the songs weren’t new to her. Though it was stressful, the date moved a couple times, the hurricanes disrupted many things and it had to be at my busiest time of year, I really think it went well. CDubs was happy:

As for Christmas itself, we kind of moseyed towards it. It was like, “yes, we do have Christmas on a Tuesday. Oh look, it’s Sunday night.”

But we were still plenty busy. I was so busy I forgot to give CDubs’ teachers their gift. I just thought I had one more day and I did not!

We saw my parents earlier than planned. They decided they weren’t coming down to see us. They asked us if we would spend a day going up to see them instead, and do a Christmas at their home. That was fine, it was just an unexpected schedule change.

My mom’s hoarding has gone down a lot. There are still scary areas…. like the stack of boxes in a 4X4 area stacked to the ceiling. The ceiling. All are taken apart, but just stacked flat. We offered to come help but I’ve never heard back on that subject. We will see, perhaps it will take more time to accept the offer of help.

We also had Ryan’s parents over for a good 12ish hours or so. We opened presents from them and family up north. You know, NO ONE has to get me gifts. I’m the interloper as it were. I know that I’ve disrupted the way of things, especially for holidays, quite a bit. Everyone is very welcoming anyway. It’s not lost on me that I am an extra person to buy for. I hope they know they don’t have too, but I am thankful and appreciative of all that they do!

Christmas Eve was fun, we did a PJ Party (“Not Pajama Party, Mommy, PJ party!”) all day. We made a gingerbread train (we failed pretty badly), watched movies, at candy, had fun meals and just were together:

Then of course North left with Santa and South helped pull his sleigh. South came back:

See all that snow on his back?

And my son opened ALL THE GIFTS:

And ate all the candy.

He also discovered Home Alone and Home Alone II and laughed quite a bit at the traps little McCallister set for the, “bad bandits.”

It was a low key Christmas that was truly needed. It’s been, “Go! Go! Go!” lately and my family seems to not do fast paced as well. It was nice to slow down and be together!

The Hubs and I have found a doctor we like and have had all sorts of tests done on our blood. While his results are his to tell, I have been asked to adapt my diet to what they asked him to eat. So I will be going on a low carb, low fat, no sugar diet.

My tests came back pretty awesome. Okay I say that because I thought I would be pre diabetic or have super high cholesterol or something of that sort. However science has discovered that I am just…. fat. Like my body is pretty happy being this big. The only thing that was worrying was my platelet count was high. They will monitor me and see if it’s my birth control. Everything else was below the standard cap, which is why I should change my diet so I can keep it that way!

Oh! And I did have another thing over the cap, by 23 units, is my cholesterol level. That though, again, can be controlled through this diet we are on.

This is also good for CDubs because he will grow up with lots of leafy greens and low sugar and all that. So that’s nice.

If you’ve been on Instagram and seen my recent posts you would know that I have felt pain in my right breast. It’s been pretty painful out of 10 it was a steady 8 for days. Then it went down to a 6, then a four for a bit. The doctor sent me to get a mammogram which came back clear, I got to see the scan myself. I know it sounds strange but I look at my brain tumor all the time at those appointments so I know what a bump or lump looks like on these strange black and gray scans. So when I saw it I thought at least I didn’t see a tumor. I was happy to find that was the case when the actual professional read it! I know there are subtleties that I couldn’t even fathom to the readings of these scans. I do, and even if I had been wrong in that moment it comforted me while I waited half naked in a ridiculous top that covered NOTHING.

So I called my doc and ended up with a bacterial antibiotic and I admit… it felt very sugar pill placebo at first. But slowly I have felt a change in my pain and the feel of that breast. It’s not hotter than the other anymore (at least not noticeably so), it’s not swollen almost over my cup size (that was uncomfortable to say in the least). But this week it has slowly gone down in size and though I wake up in pain, after I take the antibiotic and the Aleve I feel better. Then again it could be the Aleve.

My doctor will still want me to go to a specialist I am sure cause this whole thing has been a bazaar experience. Whatever this infection is, it’s not behaving as one would expect.

Now we our way to a fun event for Connor mostly, I am excited to see any sort of show in general but we are going to a Pirate Ship show with a dinner so it should be a tasty good time!

I hope you all have had wonderful weeks, and of you had a holiday recently that it was jolly and full of people that love you! Enjoy your week and I hope to talk to you all again soon!

Weekend Beverage Share: Christmas is Coming!

Hey-o friends! I hope everyone is doing well! I’ve been a busy bee lately, musicians are ever working during the holiday season. I don’t have any paying gigs this year, which is fine, I love to get paid but I figure I will be getting my blessings in other ways! I wouldn’t say no to one (a paying gig) though!

I sang in town last Sunday at the local Methodist church because we got rained out of our venue. So we had a repeat performance this Thursday. (See above)

Tuesday we had our annual Christmas concert at the school… except it was in the gym. The auditorium is CONDEMNED thanks to 2 hurricanes and an impressive amount of damage from a leak in the roof. The smell of the mold will knock you on your butt. The holes in the walls and the plaster drooping and the chunks everywhere is just…. sad. We won’t be making music there…. for years. So we bought the biggest tarp I’ve ever seen, large enough to fit 65 kids at a time and the chairs spaced comfortably and all of the percussion including big drums and xylophones and the like. There was even space left over. It was insane.

The kids, did their best! That’s the important thing. There was severe phasing issues and we couldn’t practice in the gym until the night of because of gym classes. They tried to listen to others for when to come in, but in a gym you can’t trust your ears, the echos are too severe. You HAVE to watch the conductor and count. That can be hard for kids to do. I am very proud of them for sticking it out and not freaking out.

Today I had a Cantata practice at a local baptist church, and it was off the chain! If you clicked on my stories on Instagram you would hear a short snippet! I have it saved in the “Highlights” area on my profile (@afternoonofsundries). They sounded amazing today but I am literally next to the percussion:

So I am planning to plug that ear with my earplugs tomorrow. I can’t hear anything anyway on that side. They cymbal is killer.

Tomorrow we run to church and grab sacrament and exit at the end of first hour. Then we rush to the baptist church and I warm up and sing with the choir.

Next week I have labs with my new GP. I am hoping things work out and I do not have diabetes or high cholesterol or a vitamin D deficiency or what have you. It’s bad enough I’m wearing compression socks. I don’t need anything tougher than my eye disease and brain tumor thank you!

Then next week I have a party or two, a rehearsal for our Primary Program and a rehearsal for a Christmas play and then on Sunday both the program and play. This is on top of teaching and after school 21st century classes that I will be teaching until 5:30PM.

So…. I am tired. My house looks like a clothing and dishes bomb went off and there were no survivors. I mean I’m wear two or three outfits a day, it’s like costume changes, lol. I’m wearing sequins to school so I only have to change once, or a full face of make up (I’m talking layers and shading and the works) so I have one less bag to carry!

I’m doing my best though. I can wait until my labs Wednesday. I’m serious. Stab me with needles and have me pee in a cup but at least I have hours at my house afterwards!

Lol I miss everyone I interact with online, and I hope you all are doing well! Keep me posted, drop a link below to one of your update posts so I know how your life is going too! Maybe I can read I between classes? Much love!