If We Were Having Drinks: 20 Days

How are you all doing? It’s about to be the second week of August which signals for many USA citizens that school is either started, or starting soon. I wonder which you are or if you live somewhere else and your schooling schedule is different?

If we were having drinks I think I would have one last lemonade, a yellow one, that’s more sour than sweet… that’s how I like them you know.

But what to tell you? Well… my spirit has been heavy lately. I haven’t been sleeping well at all and I’ve been having headaches. I don’t think they are tumor related so please don’t worry on that score. I am sleeping very badly, devouring books, and breaking out like I am 14 years old all over my chin and cheeks. One starts to reduce (pimple) and another just grows. It’s bull-hockey (I.e. crap, unbelievable, bollocks). I didn’t have breakouts as a teen so I feel like I dodged a bullet. Acne should now let me go on dodging that bullet. Don’t come for a sneak attack in my thirties, that’s just mean.

The thing that has got my spirit heavy is work. Why?

You see, R-County has been hit with two MAJOR hurricanes in the past, 3 now, years. I’ve posted on here about the destruction. Each time we were out of school for around 6 weeks. Buildings went down, flooded to the roof, people were displaced and died.

It hit the school system too, students had no where to live and no money to completely start over again. This happened all over the county. People couldn’t live in hotel rooms for years. Some tried, but eventually you just have to leave and try to start again.

This has had far reaching consequences. While I am hopeful these consequences will stay away from me… nothing is assured in this life.

I had written this huge doom and gloom post about how the school system is in heavy debt and employed 190 teachers over what our population now needs, thanks to the hurricanes. I worry about our stability. I worry that we put this big down payment on a trip to Disney in the winter. I worried, because we don’t have savings and there are a lot of reasons why.

So my heart, and my spirit has been heavy.

But then Saturday afternoon I managed to fall asleep. This is a rare thing lately, to fall asleep during the day no less. I had a splitting migraine and I just turned out the lights and took some medicine and knocked out. I maybe slept for 3 hours? I don’t know.

When I awoke, I felt a lot better. I started, as ineffective as many seem to think it is, to pray.

Now I don’t pray like other people I know. I don’t kneel well, my knees pop out of socket when I do. I don’t always sit either, or bow my head. I know you are supposed to show supplication and certainly there are times I do but usually I start off arms folded or hands clasped and then I get into whatever I’m praying about and I start to speak aloud. I gesture with my hands as I speak and sometimes I rant and sometimes I cry, sometimes I just talk like there’s a heavenly receiver wherever I am and it’s obvious He can hear me.

I know that’s not particularly normal but, that’s how I’ve always done it. I’ve gotten in trouble too, people will walk in on me doing this and I know people think I am crazy as the day is long. But it helps.

So I lay in the bed, cause while my migraine is not a migraine any longer, I’m still a little tender in my skull, and I start speaking and gesturing at the ceiling. I know, so strange. And I’m talking out all of my fears. I have SO many.

I have to tell you, a peace came over me once I realized I just had to give up this pointless worrying. I can’t change it. I can’t make things work out. I can’t bargain or argue a better outcome but I can give all those worries to God or Heavenly Father to deal with.

I just have to give it up. I can sit here and make myself crazy when I cannot logically control the outcome.

So, while there is still an underlying nervousness, I am just going to trust that things work out.

I report for work for the next two weeks and then when I have officially worked 20 days with students I will either receive a notice my position has been cut or I won’t. This is a state law, I don’t think the county is so cruel as to lead people on when there are jobs elsewhere to be applied for. They simply do not know who is to be cut once the retirees, people who are quitting, or those moving jobs are settled.

There is only so much we can do.

In the spirit of what I needed, I napped again today. I cuddled with my son, did the dishes, and talked with friends on the phone. Yes, there never seems to be a way for me to sleep well the night before I go back to school. I feel the same sleeplessness will occur the night before the students return. I just hope to remain positive, and wary of only the things I can control and what is important to the now, for now.

Of course I will do my job and do a wonderful job in doing so. I will decorate the heck out of my classroom even though that’s a lot of work that may be for nothing. I am going to continue to do my best because I can control that.

I hope that if you are having similar fears about things outside of your control that you are having a better handle on it than I have had!

Now, it’s officially the first day back. It’s 1:40AM on Monday and I am going to attempt to fall asleep before 3AM. Today I should be able to move things around my classroom and do all sorts of things.

So I must say thank you for that last lemonade. Thank you for the talk and the share. I do hope we can do this next week, and every week after. I’m going to do my best to not hide every little thing and bottle it up this year. Let’s see how that goes!

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