Lately, I have not been good company. This morning, I decided to delete all the negative stuff I’ve posted since August. I log into WordPress and load my published posts only to find, I had just a few posts to delete. Why? Because I am not writing anymore.
I’ve been sucked into these bad vibes. I cannot say that I am extremely good at picking up on other people’s emotions. I used to think I was. But really… All I’ve been able to do is reflect anxiety and be completely a mess.
What’s even worse, I have shutdown all activities (excluding CDubs activities). No posting, no positive thoughts, just shallow attempts at normalcy. I used to get 80+ hits a day on my blog, now I get 15 or less.
The content that’s being viewed is from 2015. Nothing from 2016 except my goodbye friend letter.
Can we all agree 2016 was shit? I am longing to shake these bad vibes once and for all.
I mean just really. While I know 2017 is gearing up to be an orange-colored shitstorm, because I live in the good old US of A, I can try to stop the vibes from further screwing my life.
I can at least try.
So I want to go back to writing about things I’m reading about in the news, or problems I’m seeing around me that spark reflection.
I want to write about positive things that are going on, review some products cause I can afford to, talk about new things I’m trying to better myself.
I want to talk about everything with a better attitude and a bolder, less anxious outlook.
I used to do that a lot.
I’ve just been drained. They say new teachers don’t last more than 5 years, and then they are completely burned out. That we, new teachers, are weak kids who just can’t take working a full day with kids. Maybe we are.
But I’m just not happy. So I’m going to be happy. I’m looking into other avenues of employment very tentatively. I don’t want to rock the boat hardcore… that is unless I’m offered something that’s $10,000 more a year… then screw the boat, I’m swimming!
In the meantime, I’m offering more activities I enjoy in my classes, and really taking advantage of what I have, instead of complaining about what I don’t.
So I must change, adapt, or you know shake a leg!
For Christmas I received some wonderful gifts. I received beautiful charms from my husband and son for Christmas. I need some chains to display them properly. Both are simply beautiful pieces.
My aunt sent me the most beautiful lipstick by Too Faced called Unicorn Tears
Don’t worry, it turns pink after application!
I also received some Amazon money, and some other funds. I have been extremely blessed this holiday season!
I’ve used the money on me. Usually I buy things for CDubs. Maybe I’ll buy some household items like cleaning suppliers and splurge on the leopard print rubber gloves.
This year, self care all the way. I’ve gotten my nails done twice, a pedicure, an at home foot peel (that stuff is scary but works!), some clothes that fit, jewelry, makeup, makeup brushes (Ry found me a deal!), purchased some more happy place masks, facial soap, all that kind of stuff.
Probably should have saved it all but…
I’m also working on learning proper 21st century make up techniques. I was doing my makeup very 1960’s without really realizing it. Very flat, 2D type, cover all things, sort of make up. I can’t say after all the videos I’ve been watching lately that I’m anywhere bordering on proficient; but I am enjoying the process.
I’m a little shy sharing my forays into modern makeup because this happens:
I’m not bragging about the above, and I’m certainly not, “Oh woe, my clear skin and long lashes!” It’s just, anytime I post about me and makeup or even put on makeup for work someone tells me, “You don’t need makeup.”
Well no, I don’t, and you don’t need GTA5 or a new piece of jewelry. Still, you have/ do these things because you enjoy doing it or having those things. It’s a skill, artists take courses in developing their art, why can’t I practice makeup application?
Why can’t I enjoy makeup? Because only ugly girls wear makeup? Only insecure girls wear makeup? Please don’t even suggest only slutty girls wear makeup. That’s not true, none of those statements are true. You should see what I look like on the weekends, when I say screw maintenance I want to sleep instead! Seriously, what is with this stigma when it comes to wearing makeup? It’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation.
Models wear makeup. You can’t say models are slutty, ugly, or insecure. Now I am NOT model pretty, I have no features on my face that make me, what’s the statistic? Five percent of the world’s population is unique enough to be a model?
I’m going to sound like the witch from Into The Woods here when I say, I’m not beautiful, I’m not flawless , I’m just pretty. I don’t have delusions. It’s okay to be cute (I’m past cute at this point, I’m not under 18), there’s nothing wrong with pretty. There are a lot of pretty people in the world; it’s okay to be pretty and not beautiful.
So that coupled with awkward selfies, I am documenting my rise into learning how to sculpt and line and shade my face. It’s hard too, being partially sighted I don’t see all of the colors anymore or the shades. Makeup has stupid names like posh, and weekend fun. What the hell kind of color is trendy?!
I ask Ry a lot. To recap I can’t see shades of blue or green and often mistake them for each other, pinks and purples can be browns or greys to me, and yellow is white. Woohoo. I can wear… red, orange… well orange sometimes looks like red. (My type of color blindness is called Tritanopia and I recently discovered it’s not hereditary but a casualty of my eye disease. I had color vision loss before the damaging effects of my disease were apparent.)
Then blending. I took art in school. I got a 75 on my gradient shading project for BLACK. Black to white. My professor said I was to drastic between shades. To me, it looked just like his example. So there is that to contend with too.
I could just switch my profession to becoming a for hire clown, using only primary colors for my face paint.
It could be exciting.
As for my weight loss blog, I received some negative feedback on that and have decided they can bite my nicely rounded ass; I am starting over again. I do love myself. Because I love myself I want to be healthier for me. It’s not because I don’t love myself enough or I feel like people who are plus sized are unhealthy my blood pressure is 105/80 people. It’s crazy and healthier than some of my more slender, running associates from school. So bam! Back up off!
Alright, I’ve talked way too much. I hope though I’ve convinced you my bad vibes will be countered at every turn and that I’m here, back at WordPress and ready to go!