It’s Taken Awhile but I’m…

  

I’ve been going through a period of change. It’s been pretty emotional in that, I’ve been very unsure and nervous . I question if I am really growing as a person or just enjoying the mood swings that are created by sleep deprivation, motherhood, and teacherhood.

I’ve felt a lot like this:

  
And then sometimes I feel like this:

  
And lately, fabulous is winning. 

Spring break has a huge part in that. No, I’ve moved past the drinking until dawn, waking up somewhere strange places aspect of spring break. I’ve had time this past week. We’ve donated 19 bags of things and 2 boxes. We got a lovely old couch with good bones to replace the luxurious and declining old couch. I’ve scrubbed, and folded and washed so many things- but the most important thing I did was organize. Not only did I organize our things, but I organized my thoughts.

I’ve realized a lot of things I knew, but possibly ignored, because I didn’t want to admit to them.

I am not in the same place I was before CDubs was born. Expecting myself to be, or allowing others to put those limitations on me is unfair. I can’t stay up all night. I can’t drink to the wee hours. I don’t have time to go to a bar or club. I can’t answer the phone when you call, I’m busy. I can’t drop everything at any time to go to the beach or road trip. Yes, it’s lovely to be asked to do those things! But I’ll say no. It’s not because I don’t like them, or you or because if I’m not asked I’ll drama queen out- It just is no longer something I can do. I also find, most of the time, If I try to be that person again it causes undue stress and ruins everyone’s good time.

And that’s just it. Everyone is allowed to have a good time without me. 

That person I was I just cannot be again. I can’t be that carefree, loud, “funny,” awkward but mysteriously insightful drunk friend who takes you for dumplings in the morning anymore. (Good Lord in Heaven I miss those dumplings on Tate Street) Me lamenting that I can’t be that person and at the same time expecting to be treated the same anyway is unreasonable.

I think, I like to blame others for changing, but maybe I’ve changed the most.

So I’m also not with another group of people either. I don’t have a mortgage, car payments, stability, a working understanding of the next 10 years. Expecting myself to turn 30 this year (oh my it is going to be my 30th this year, isn’t it?) and suddenly be on that track is also unfair to me and unfair for others to expect of me. I’m just not there yet.

This inbetween place is hard to be in because there aren’t a lot of us long term folks here. Relating can be hard. I have to understand that just because both groups can’t meet me here, aren’t here, that doesn’t mean I am unimportant.

Cause I like staying home on Friday nights reading or blogging. And again it’s okay if you don’t invite me out for drunken antics,  I really am not mad. You’ll tell me about it later though, I’m in a different place, not dead. 

I’ve come to realize when you limit yourself, you just make yourself bitter and unhappy. I can’t do that anymore. I don’t know everything. Saying I can predict how things will go is silly and claiming powers I don’t have.

I also feel like my belief in something more than myself is more important as I attempt (yes, attempt) to grow and navigate my little boy sprout through the perils of this world.

I know on AoS I don’t thrust religion in anyone’s face (most religions seem against thrusting anything…. Just saying).  However, it would be dishonest of me not to say some of my more recent ease is due to increased faith. Let’s leave it at that for now. 

Still I have a long road ahead.

But this time I’ve had to organize thoughts and accept truths (Like Ry just can do dishes. He can’t. Complaining and raising Cain does nothing but piss him off). Instead of railing against this, accepting and choosing another road is best. (He can mop, sweep, vacuum, and organize toys as well as dry the dishes instead.) 

It just feels better knowing once I start on a path towards understanding, truth, and sanity peace can be found along the way. It’s just fantastic what can happen when you take the time and unclutter your mind and spirit.

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