I’ve been emotionally stuck the past few months- I know I’ve lost an almost half my life friendship (14yrs is a long time). I feel like due to the time his or her family put into me, the Fairs, the sleepovers when we were in high school, the constant din of my incessant phone calls…. Then when I lost it with someone in the family… Anyway, this friendship is done. As I said in It’s Time to Go… when they won’t pick up the cell or house phone and the sibling won’t even speak to you, it’s time to go.
Another friend I thought was for sure gone, because I’ve messed up plenty with him or her, recently texted me after I wished him or her happy birthday a day early… Because I am ridiculous. I can’t believe I mixed up the dates. I wasn’t even sure reaching out was the thing to do, we hadn’t spoken much since last Spring. I thought maybe it was one of those unfortunate drifting aparts you hear about. But, he or she struck up a very normal conversation with me like again, we were back in school. I didn’t realize how, nervous I had been in wishing him or her happy birthday, until my mind unclenched afterwards. I still need to keep it up though. So an upwards motion in emotion but still, stressful.
Of course lastly, my hugest F-up of the year is with my friend J.
I think seeing the others from that group dredged feelings up again. Sufficed to say, I screwed up pretty big. I’m not sure if I’d forgive me for July if it were me (in J’s shoes).
This one combined with number 1 above, has thrown me into a bit of a F-ed up stupor.
Panic attacks have happened. Not due to anyone person afforementioned, or not (hello daddy, who is being forced to retire so he can live longer). Adding that and the shitsorm that is teenagers bucking at authority (teacher remember, I do not have any biological teens in my life!) I’m a mess. I just cycle through everything.
But, but! I know it’s a lot. I know mostly, it is my fault.
I think that statement though, is key. It’s my fault. I admit it. It’s not because I married Ry, moved here, teach, my family- there are no little back doors for me to creep through in this one. No little underhanded side to pop out. I can’t lie to spare feelings or puff myself up.
Why do I do that kind of stuff anyway, you ask? Frankly, who’s watching? What’s the point, you say?
I’ll tell you. The imaginary people.
No really, hear me out. During one of my more particularly bad attacks (don’t worry Ry was down stairs and CDubs was already to bed), I thougt, “Surly, there is an app for every damn thing, there must be one for anxiety!”
And there is:
And it’s amazing. There are coping methods, games to calm yourself, a journal to collect data:
I have realized I am very worried with appearances. (That does come from childhood, sorry.) I have created this little internal world where everyone is judging the shit out of me, everyday. These people, co-workers, friends, exfriends (like throwback Thursday ex- friends); all sit in my head and lovingly or not so lovingly tell me why I am a failure.
Everyday. Especially when I’m alone.
It’s very hard for me to be alone, as I’ve said in the past, without a book or show to distract me. It’s gotten worse now, and harder.
And I’ve never really said that. Aloud at least. I think I’ve skirted the issue before but…
I am constantly defending and imagining sanarios and….
I think I might be… A little bit more like my mom. And that’s really, deeply disturbing and painful to acknowledge. Like, I can’t help this deep burning hatred for her past self. And I might be just like her. Just. Like. Her. Just like her.
So, so. I am performing for the imaginary people. Saying the right things, apologizing when I don’t mean it so they will approve, changing thinks I think they think is dissaponting about myself, covering up to seem normal.
I took a big step this year. I acknowledged my marriage is rocky right now. Some people freaked out on me a bit and I adapted and didn’t spontaneously combust.
I have ruined some friendships. I’ve really experienced having to take myself in hand and think for myself on what to do and how to do it. I didn’t run tearfully (minus that one time about work) to anyone and ask for answers.
I am working through on my own, that yes people leave, yes you had a part in it, and look- I’m still here!
Yup, there has been unsuccessful attempts and my husband still gets on my nerves a lot- and I won’t get any fairytale conclusions to my friendship problems. People can have problems with me, and while I feel bad about it, I’m coping and I think I’m going to be okay.
4 1/2 months of change.
What will my year bring? We’ll just have to see.
This post was inspired in part by Suzie81Speaks post today that made me think about this year.