OCD- I Thought Really Clean People Had it…

I admit, when I think about people with OCD I think this:

IMAGE MEDICALNEWSTODAY.COM

 

Or this:

IMAGE PSYCHCENTRAL.COM

It’s mainly the media’s fault. We are shown only the people who clean so obsessively is abnormal, or clean themselves. Or you see people making perfect lines of perfect things, rarely are you shown anything else.

Last night I had it. I’m sitting in the living room and CDubs is sitting funny on the couch and I start to picture, involuntarily ways he is not safe, ways he could be harmed, ways I could accidentally harm him. It hits me like a wave and I panic. Like hugely panic. Like I’ve got to calm down. So I tell myself I’m not an abuser, I don’t want to hurt him or watch my inner thoughts imagining all the ways he could be hurt.

What is wrong with me? Who does that s*%+#?

Finally, I google it, and it pops up immediately. OCD Contamination. What in the fricky frack is that?!

My house looks like poop, I’d say it’s pretty contaminated.

But I come to realize as I read that contamination is when you are so afraid your actions that you may contaminate or harm another person, or your self. Imagine if you will, new mothers checking to see if the baby’s breathing at night. Totally normal. But I doubt those mothers then imagined all the ways then the baby could die, then in total fear, watched their mind show them ways they could complete the task.

Then you freak out, what kind of monster thinks this stuff?! Apparently OCD, contamination ones.

It was all there, the worrying, the over protectiveness, the mental anguish of being able to picture it all, the shame you would think that, the rituals to “make it go away.”

When I was little I was afraid unseen forces would “get me” so the only way I could make them go was to sing a set of songs over, and over, and over until I fell asleep. Only then I was safe. (Another branch of contamination is the fear of “magical” forces, etc. being perceived as harmful to the point of obsessing and ritualizing, my extreme fear of the undead anyone?)

I obsess over cleaning, I’m not clean but I sit up and think about it and then frantically clean until I’m exhausted. Like…. All nighters, like obsess over people seeing it and judging and I get overwhelmed a lot.

Why did I think this was normal?

*head in hands*

People with OCD contamination who visualize harming or harm coming to their children are not abusers. They shouldn’t be reported to CPS. In fact studies show they are the person you want to watch your kid, because they will do everything in their power to not allow harm to come to the child in question. (Even to the point of harming themselves in order to keep their child safe. No this is not an confession, I’m not that far gone….)

Can I tell you, discovering that… My mother is nuts. I’m sorry that’s not PC of me but, I have lived through a lot.

She harmed me, she had crazy cleaning phobias and I thought I was…. I was afraid I would turn into her, so afraid. So very… (I’m getting teary here) I don’t want to be her. Ever. I’d rather find a bridge than….

Anyway, I know. I told my husband. He looked at me and laughed and said “yeah, you’ve always been OCD, I know you would never hurt anyone, and the cleaning things is aggravating but… It’s okay.”

Seriously you knew? Why didn’t you tell me?

I’m going to digest this for a bit. It’s a relief, because I thought I was secretly a monster. I constantly ritualized (but I didn’t know I was doing something that was considered ritualistic) and talked myself down from why I wasn’t and all that goes with that. Now I know I need to stop ritualizing.

And find a therapist, and afford a therapist. They can’t fix it but they can teach me not to flip out when I realize what in doing.

I guess I’m a little off after all… I’m just glad it understand it better now.

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13 Comments

  1. blondieaka

    Well I had a son with OCD but that is a blog post thinking about it…ha ha..me I just like all my tins etc lined up ( easier to count )when you going shopping and god forbid if you dig the butter. And use a cake fork when you eating not a dinner fork. But apart from that I’m normal 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. afternoonofsundries

      I was recently thinking I might have anxiety issues but it just seemed so odd- the turn of my thoughts and the more I think on it- I have to say my prayers a certain way and if I forget bad things will happen. When I’m scared I have to sing certain things to calm down and just… It’s making sense to me now! Anxiety or OCD… Either way, I need to get it under control!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. breeguildforderotica

    Ugh, I TOTALLY get this – and I’m glad you posted it because now I don’t feel quite so…. weird…
    I have an anxiety disorder and a huge part of my anxiety is focused on something bad happening to myself, wifey, the kids or another member of our family.

    For example, if we are out and the one of the kids is walking on the edge of the sidewalk I naturally imagine a car speeding down the street, losing control and killing them. If they are outside on the trampoline I picture one of them falling off and ending up with a broken leg, or a broken neck, or a spinal cord injury. When the phone rings during school hours my heart races and I mentally prepare to race to the hospital to be with a badly injured child.

    My brain sucks sometimes. Okay, a lot of times.

    My nephew died of SIDS when he was 4mo so until my kids were 1yo I would freak out every. single. time. they had a sleep. I’m particularly worried about something happening to my youngest and I think it relates back to the fact I dropped her when I was in hospital with her when she was a newborn. I went to sleep holding her and woke up to her screaming – and on the floor. She needed x-rays and observation and it was a long time (we’re talking weeks) until I finally believed the doctors were right and she hadn’t suffered any injuries in the fall. That is something I’m going to feel guilty about until the day I die.

    Sorry for the novel 😉 but your post really struck a chord with me!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. afternoonofsundries

      Oh goodness! Is it horrible that I feel relieved you also have similar thoughts? Like you described so many feelings I have… I’ve dropped CDubs when he was so little and the guilt! I’m sorry that happened to you, truly I don’t wish this on anyone!

      Like

  3. honestme363

    Just a quick thought…I think parenthood leads to paranoia. I did experience many of the things you described about Cdubs and last week, when my daughter was sick, my mind went rampant. I conjured up all sorts of incurable diseases including West Nile. I just wanted you to know, you are not alone!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. afternoonofsundries

      I am glad to know I am not alone!! I think if anything parenthood magnified it- or even made it more apparent to me that I have rituals and little things I do and fear that do no make sense! And fearing I would hurt my son…. Unthinkable and yet! I know now, once my mind goes the wrong way I have to stop, and gently change the subject!

      Liked by 1 person

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