It’s been too much lately. My inner voice has been loud with her distaste of my activities. My hygiene just enough, eyebrows barely neat, my clothing choices looked like graffiti on a brick wall, everything overlapped and the colors didn’t go but the message was clear: “I dissatisfied.”
My drive to drive to work was lacking 5:15, 5:30, 6:00, 6:45 do you want to earn a paycheck today because you’re running out of minutes. There’s no time to be lazy but there aren’t any breaks in the day.
My phone is on silent because it’s silent most of the time and I don’t know where you are, where am I?
I am counting down the minutes till I can pick you up from daycare only to bring you home and pay attention to everything else instead.
My husband does not agree. “Don’t you have time for me?!” He asks. I don’t have time for anyone. There is so much to do.
The dishes stare at me out of the sink like the mountains of Mordor and I know if I just climb over those peaks I can find a way to destroy the ring; of grime and mold that grew on my dishes this week because once again I said, “I’ll do them tomorrow.”
Throwing them away maybe easier.
A sea of clothing upstairs rushing into every corner and crack, obscuring the bedroom floor. It’s the only area in the house that doesn’t need the rug to be cleaned. Where did I put my new shirt? The one I bought last year? I guess I wore it that one time… Last year…
Bathrooms. A science experiment of -how long can my husband go without picking up a scrub brush? I use the guest bathroom now. My hair keeps falling out and clogging the drain. When was that supposed to stop again?
This was not the plan, the fairytale. There was supposed to be love, jobs, babies, happiness, picket fences and friends visiting every night. I’m supposed to Let It Go and someone was supposed to Show Me The World, so I could be Apart of Your World because Don’t You Have a Friend in Me?
“It’s your fault. You moved.”
I became responsible. I did the right thing. I moved. I moved to work. I moved to change, I moved to grow more…. Depressed.
I got married and had a baby and lost the ability to be selfish because when I am I am a bad mother, why do you cloth diaper? Shouldn’t you buy organic? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT USE THE FERBER METHOD?!
Why can’t you just stay at home to watch the baby?
Why can’t you stay home to watch yours? Oh they grew up, fancy that. Maybe they need to know why they shouldn’t use a pacifier. And by organic. I’ll stop cloth diapering when you buy disposable ones for me until my son is potty trained.
3:15PM time to go home. Take a break at school and organize. Lock the doors turn off the lights open the blinds. Help has arrived. The sun shines through and you can do anything. It’s spring. There is energy in taking control.
All of Me Loves all of you, and I can be Happy, Say Something I’m give up On Your disrespectful behavior go to ISS; I don’t get paid enough to deal with your disrespect. You won’t touch a instrument again until you buckle down and learn your notes so help me.
Little hands, big eyes, kicking feet.
It’s your birthday and you put that entire Ice cream in your mouth! Look at your face! Cake is delicious, you got so many presents! We all love you!
My friends have lots to say, and I don’t. Can I just listen – I am squeezed into the corner of the couch. Comfortable. Tattoos displayed and plans made and I don’t care really it’s your bodies, just let me listen to your voices undistorted by distance.
He looks at me and reaches up and grabs the air twice. “Pick me up” in baby language. I want you to hold me. Smell my baby scent and know the squeal of joy is just for you.
Showers are nice in the morning. Waking up on time too. I have some cute dresses in my closet, I don’t care how white my legs are young lady, don’t look at them then! Yes my red heels are killer, thank you. I agree I have been on point lately. No it’s actually all old outfits. Just put together a new way.
It’s actually all old, put together a new way.
(As you read:
The biggest thing is I finally pulled myself out of the deep depression I was in. Maybe it’s the weather but, damn I feel so much better. Except about the dishes. I may need to just throw them all away.)