A Really Unfortunate Grouping of Character Flaws

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I have an unfortunate mix of character flaws. I want to think I ignore my less appealing characteristics and only nurture the good ones but, I doubt anyone can truly accomplish that.

Certainly, we can push one or two unfortunate characteristics to the back, like yodeling in the shower or picking your nose, little things that aren’t socially acceptable but really not horrible things.

However what about deeply important, vital characteristics of one’s self? Things that make up your core being, food or bad, habits or failings you cannot obscure? What do you do about those?

I Can Change

Can you? Sure I can stop yodeling in the shower, I’d miss it but, I could stop it. What about vanity? What about absent mindedness? Can you really change such core things? I could cover my home in post it notes and schedule the shit out of my iPhone calendar but, am I really changing that absent mindedness? Seems to me it would have a new scheduling fetish with sticky paper.

Even then, what if I lose a note?

I Can Change Him/ Her

If I can’t change myself what makes me think someone can change me? Barring life altering events (hence the term life altering), someone cannot nag, bribe or encourage a fundamental change. Certainly, I could nag someone to pieces and perhaps their habit would change so every time they do that thing they think of me. Probably negatively, and possibly continue to be that way out of spite.

No, that won’t work.

Like Attracts Like

So then find someone with similar core values and characteristics. Fall in love with them. It’s just that simple.

Only befriend people that fit your existing standards. If you must be groomed to the nth degree, it is only reasonable that they must do the same.

Or We Can Just Realize

That we are all deeply flawed people who do absolutely the best we can. From start to finish, we try our best. Every choice and decision was born out of necessity and choice that was made based off of our particular wants and experiences.

I’d like to think, on a whole (as a race) we don’t try to disappoint, damage, harm one another. I really would like to think everything we do is with the best intentions.

I can only hope that others too feel the same.

The Reflection is Not As Strong as I’d Hoped

I worry a great deal about appearances. I’m afraid I got that from my Mother. Those that know me say, “But you lived in a hoarding nightmare.” Yes, that caused her a great amount of anxiety over maintaining a correct outward image. That woman knows the real deal when it comes to keeping up appearances.

I also have that skill or flaw. I took a test last week. It was a very simple 24 question test. Each question had the same 3 answers; satisfied, mostly satisfied, and Unsatisfied.

My results:

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The results are very depressing. I am depressed. I’d been avoiding that. Like really trying to ignore the fact that I am deeply unhappy. I don’t think it’s PPD, although, I also think I am treating Ryan differently ever since the baby was born. I’m not sure what to do because therapy is expensive. I also don’t have time to go because of Ryan’s schedule.

Someone said in the past couple of months that basically, I am very lucky and I have no right to be anything other than ecstatically happy. I have a baby, that should be more than enough (echoes Fanny Mendelssohn Hensel’s conversation with Felix a bit too much for my taste). Considering the place in which I place this friend’s opinions, it was a hard blow. I almost deleted my Facebook in response. I was angry.

Now I just feel very alone and isolated. I am afraid to reach out, call people impose on anyone’s life. I’ve felt that for awhile because of childhood abandonment issues. However I have beat those feelings down for most of my life because that was just silly.

That deep flaw returned with a vengeance. The fear of reaching out is so strong when friends do actually do so (again to me that someone wants to is amazing because my silly self thinks no one wants to. Considering my feeble attempts I suppose that makes sense) I over compensate and scare them off.

It’s a nasty cycle.

So I’m going to do what will benefit my own well being the most. I am irrational about Facebook. A lot of my ridiculous imaginings come from what I see, and am told on there. So it’s gone in about 10 minutes and I think it’s the right thing to do.

As to my deep character flaws… I’ll keep working on those. I want to change those quiz answers.

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