A Dream that’s Been Deferred too Many Times

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Another friend from college bought (mortgaged, whatever, it’s seriously close enough) a house, or closed I’m on a house this weekend. They’ve come to a point in his and her lives where they feel like they can settle. They have a feeling that his and her jobs are good, that their debt is under control, and that they can settle. They have friends around that also make them want to settle too.

I’m not mad, I am not pissy about it. I am decidedly wistful. I long for that stability, but I am very vague on how to get there. We keep saying, “we’ll move somewhere when we are both offered jobs.” How incredibly unrealistic.

We could stay here. To be completely honest, they couldn’t do without us at our schools. It helps we are good at what we do, competent, but still, we have two stable jobs.

Ryan is unhappy here and now, I am teetering that way. I am being given, in my 4th year, way to much to accomplish. I’m it doesn’t help that I had a baby, and I don’t know how to juggle everything and him. It doesn’t help that people don’t understand how I couldn’t have every damn thing in control. Teaching for 360 minutes a day is kicking my ass. I am so drained, I feel I am no longer effective. It’s just to much. All at once.

Sure my résumé will look very nice. Tell that to my shot nerves.

I can’t even make time to communicate to the important people in my life. They are all lovely but I have no clue what’s up with them. I mired in responsibility. Responsibilities I did not choose (I speak only if my work related responsibilities that are mounting each day.).

I want a house. A small, sturdy, wood floor, non haunted (please), house. I want to paint, hang shelves, and choose carpet. I want newer bathroom fixtures from at most 10 years ago (not 30). I want to have parking in front of my house. I want a small herb garden. I want a swing set in the back.

I want basically, the feeling of permanence. I don’t feel permanent, at school, at home, with others in my life. I want to feel comfortably home.

We’ve scratched out so much. We’ve worked so hard but it’s not enough. To take a step back, to move, to lose one income and “take a chance” somewhere else, scares me but, I don’t feel permanent here. I just don’t. (I also don’t feel respected at my job, just convenient. Competent and convenient. Feels horrible, let me tell you)

You know the hardest thing to do is to trust. Trust that everything will work out. To try to let go and just start over. It’s very hard.

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10 thoughts on “A Dream that’s Been Deferred too Many Times

  1. This is a hard thing. We’ve been trying to get ready to get a house as well, though we have three adults with an income and two who stay at home (generational/mixed home). It is a struggle to take a chance even when it looks like all the duck are in a row.

    (*hugs*) I want to say more than just ‘hang in there’ as it seems so inadequate. But it’s all I can think of. Hang in there!

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  2. Wish I could just say “Go for it! It’ll work itself out!” But owning a home is a huge step and yes you do want to be in a comfortable place in your life. Both geographically with a job and financially.

    When my wife and I decided that we were ready, it was because we were tired of almost paying as much for a mortgage that for renting our one bedroom apartment. We didn’t know where we would end up work wise but that wasn’t going to stop us from choosing where we wanted to get planted in. Now we both drive close to 30 miles to get to work, but we love our neighborhood and city where we live. I guess what I mean to say is don’t let that be your deciding factor alone. Jobs will change but home is home. (Not sure that made any sense.)

    We prayed and prayed and we knew that when it was right in Gods plans, he would show us and he did. Hope your struggle with this decision becomes easier for you all.

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