Another friend from college bought (mortgaged, whatever, it’s seriously close enough) a house, or closed I’m on a house this weekend. They’ve come to a point in his and her lives where they feel like they can settle. They have a feeling that his and her jobs are good, that their debt is under control, and that they can settle. They have friends around that also make them want to settle too.
I’m not mad, I am not pissy about it. I am decidedly wistful. I long for that stability, but I am very vague on how to get there. We keep saying, “we’ll move somewhere when we are both offered jobs.” How incredibly unrealistic.
We could stay here. To be completely honest, they couldn’t do without us at our schools. It helps we are good at what we do, competent, but still, we have two stable jobs.
Ryan is unhappy here and now, I am teetering that way. I am being given, in my 4th year, way to much to accomplish. I’m it doesn’t help that I had a baby, and I don’t know how to juggle everything and him. It doesn’t help that people don’t understand how I couldn’t have every damn thing in control. Teaching for 360 minutes a day is kicking my ass. I am so drained, I feel I am no longer effective. It’s just to much. All at once.
Sure my résumé will look very nice. Tell that to my shot nerves.
I can’t even make time to communicate to the important people in my life. They are all lovely but I have no clue what’s up with them. I mired in responsibility. Responsibilities I did not choose (I speak only if my work related responsibilities that are mounting each day.).
I want a house. A small, sturdy, wood floor, non haunted (please), house. I want to paint, hang shelves, and choose carpet. I want newer bathroom fixtures from at most 10 years ago (not 30). I want to have parking in front of my house. I want a small herb garden. I want a swing set in the back.
I want basically, the feeling of permanence. I don’t feel permanent, at school, at home, with others in my life. I want to feel comfortably home.
We’ve scratched out so much. We’ve worked so hard but it’s not enough. To take a step back, to move, to lose one income and “take a chance” somewhere else, scares me but, I don’t feel permanent here. I just don’t. (I also don’t feel respected at my job, just convenient. Competent and convenient. Feels horrible, let me tell you)
You know the hardest thing to do is to trust. Trust that everything will work out. To try to let go and just start over. It’s very hard.