I love, love, love going to the beach. All of my best memories are vacations around water, usually sandy water. We go, everything is taken care of at home while we are gone. We eat like it doesn’t matter about pounds and diets. We laugh and purposefully go out and have fun. We shop and do not worry about if what we’re buying matches the decor or a specific set of outfits at home. Most importantly, we take the time to be together, to listen to one another and just be peaceful.
On vacations we feel carefree, we feel lighter. We don’t worry as much because “it’ll be there (the worry) when we get back. ” we talk about what fun we can have while we’re out and we dream. For me, there is never a set agenda on vacation. The whole point if the trip is to be satisfied at the end. To choose to be happy.
Then we go home.
All the weight of responsibilities pop back in: bills, work, obligations, planned fun, planned boredom. We put our noses down to the grindstone and don’t look back up until the next time we choose another vacation, another time to be happy.
I get it, I worry so much. I’ve got this cold fear in my stomach. We need to change our entire lives this summer. I am afraid of the paths that I see before me. I feel crippled by that fear and it’s frankly, tying me in knots. I know what I can live through. I know what poverty truly feels like. The thought of choosing poverty scares me to no end. The fear if my husband who has never known the worries of this kind of poor.
The fear of having a salary position, which is coveted in all retail and food service positions, and finding out I make less than people who work hourly. I mean I have a salary! I am full-time things are supposed to be good, be easier.
The pit in my stomach widens, gets deeper and darker, the coldness in my stomach becomes a hard icy rock.
I have always lived my life, since I left my Parent’s house, in pursuit of being happy. I want the feeling like I am on that sandy vacation at all times.
I don’t think it’s silly to want to live carefree and secure in the knowledge that I will be enjoying myself. That things will be taken care of.
So often lately I am choosing fear. Depression. Sadness.
After our son was born, there was such a joy in us. For two weeks my husband smiled. He had joy. I haven’t seen that since. Not once. We got close on his birthday when a dear friend visited.
I choose joy. I choose that life. Why isn’t that life choosing me?
It’s like Teddy said “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” The fear is of not knowing.
It wasn’t this scary last year. I can tell you why. I wasn’t a mother last year. I was getting married last year. My choices didn’t change anyone’s life but my own.
Now here I am afraid my son will not get the life he deserves. That my choices will fail him.
It’s crushing, all if this. It’s crushing me to bits. I sit here at home, not working. I know no more money is coming in until I go back to work.
I might not go back. I don’t see how we can afford to put our child in daycare. We are barely paying bills as it is. How can we think of me staying home? How can we choose this?
I want to be happy. I am so happy with my son. He is wonderful. He is amazing. I cannot see my life without him in it. There has to be a way to keep it all together. There had to be.
So in order for me to choose happiness, I have to make the choice to go head first into fear. Staying right now, in this land of indecision, is cutting me down to the bone. I have to move forward and make decisions. I have to make the choice to try.
To decide on happiness. To understand that this fear of complete destitution and fear of failing is only temporary. We are going to change this.
We are taking the steps towards what we hope will bring us happiness. We know trying to stand still isn’t working, it isn’t happiness. So I choose to move forward, to force us forward, hopefully towards a positive outcome.
I choose happiness. I choose to change our circumstances. I choose my son. I choose a better life.
I will find us a better job. I will make it so someone can stay home with my son. I will be happy.
I have to start towards that happiness. I have to make those first stumbling steps. A blind leap.
I wish I knew there was a nice place to land.